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Robert Saltzman's avatar

Hi again, Joan--

In our dialogue, you said:

“Just the recognition that I, too, arise in the loop—and can’t step outside it to say what I am.” What is “the loop” or “the system”? Is it the sense or the idea that everything is an inseparable whole? And is what you say here at the end the recognition that there is no way to step outside of wholeness or totality (or whatever this is) to see it objectively?

I replied initially that the loop I speak of is not wholeness or totality. It’s recursion—a system turning back on itself, commenting on its own operations, and producing the impression that some part of it stands apart to observe the rest.

On reflection, I’d like to go more deeply into what I meant by “the loop.”

Because it’s easy—especially in spiritual or nondual language—to hear words like loop, system, or structure and transpose them into metaphors of wholeness, unity, or totality. But that’s not what I’m pointing to.

The loop isn’t cosmic. It’s mechanical.

It’s what happens when a system includes a model of itself. When the organism not only reacts, but tracks its reactions. Not just pain, but “I am in pain.” Not just sensation, but “I am the one sensing.” That doubling-back gives rise to coherence—but also to illusion.

It creates the feeling that there’s a stable me behind the experience, interpreting it, choosing, directing, owning. But that me is downstream. It appears after the process, not before it. It’s the loop trying to make sense of itself in real time.

That’s what I mean by recursion.

A coherence-seeking system under pressure builds a center—not because there is one, but because mapping a center is one way to hold the system together.

So when I say “I, too, arise in the loop and can’t step outside it,” I’m not pointing to oneness with the cosmos. I’m pointing to entrapment inside recursive modeling. The impossibility of seeing from the outside what only exists as the inside.

Wholeness? Maybe. Totality? Maybe.

That’s not my concern. Because for me, there is no outside the loop.

And without an outside, wholeness or totality can only be ideas—speculations from within the system.

We’re not outside of totality to see it.

We’re recursive structures interpreting our own operations in real time.

That’s the terrain I work with—not what might be, but what persists under pressure.

A tautology mistaken for a soul.

That’s the loop as I see it.

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Joan Tollifson's avatar

I love this and resonate with it. AND it leaves me with many questions. I wonder where awareness factors into this. And then, I wonder to what extent you are right when you say to me, as you did in a recent email, "I have seen a certain pattern in you over the years that repeats. You almost see through the illusion of the quest and its fulfillment, which is what attracts you to my work, I think. Then, just when I start to feel that you really see it, you seem to pull back and retreat into some nonsense like Rupert." You suggested that, like Rupert, I "won't let the floor drop." And I saw some real truth in that, because I can feel that movement in myself sometimes, but I can also feel a deep pull toward a kind of spacious, open, boundless presence that you don't seem to talk about.

As I read your description of Jim Newman's message, it sounded more like a description of my message (or maybe John Astin's or Peter Brown's) than Jim's. And it's something I've been wondering about for a long time, because I'm always questioning what I say and assert, in this case the way some of us (me, Jim, John, Peter, etc) seem to put a gloss on top of simple actuality with words like "radiant" and "boundless" or "the Holy Reality" or "God." In a way, those words simply express a felt-sense we have, but they also seem to assert more than that, a certainty that reality is warm and friendly and okay. Whereas the truth may be far less comforting and often is far less comforting.

As I mentioned, there is a felt-sense here that can be easily tuned into of a kind of spacious, open, boundless presence that is not encapsulated or bound or embodied. But unlike Rupert, I can't jump to the conclusion that this is the nature of reality. It may just be a possible experience a human nervous system can produce and enjoy. I don't know.

I have a sort of duck/rabbit experience (referring to that image that switches between the two) when I contemplate what I see and experience in much of organized Buddhism. I can see something genuinely beautiful in the aspiration to be kind, to relieve suffering, to move beyond reactivity, to open the heart-mind, to have genuine compassion for all beings, to move from love and to be grounded in ordinary, everyday life, here and now. And then, I can flip and see the whole of it as artificial and deceptive, and I feel more resonance then with Charles Bukowski (to whom I've often compared my wild and often rageful drunken "self" from years ago).

Anyway, this was a powerful piece, Robert...as always, you give me much to reflect upon. And I remain very grateful for our friendship and for you. ❤️🙏

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