The Fear Of Personal Extinction

Q: Hi Robert, I wanted to thank you for your books and let you know how much they have influenced me.

I’ll start, if I may, with some background bio. I was a bit of a bad lad growing up, but at about 17, I had some sort of Christian conversation experience and spent the next 15 years as a “born-again” Christian. Throughout that time, I became more and more disillusioned with the church and especially with the bible. I used to try to read it from Genesis to Revelation every year. What a horrible book! 60% boring, 30% vile, and 10% inspirational.

Eventually, my wife and I left Christianity behind us, along with all of our friends. It was a soul-searching and deeply painful time to let go of treasured beliefs and security. That’s when the spiritual search began in earnest. All I wanted was the “truth,” regardless of the price. I now no longer wanted to ‘believe.’ I wanted to ‘know’.

My search led me to nonduality, and at first, I was utterly shocked and appalled at the idea of no-self. My biggest drive for “enlightenment” was my terrible fear of death and non-existence, and here I was being told I didn’t exist anyway! But I kept returning to nonduality books, feeling that that was where truth was to be found, despite the cost. Over a hundred books later, I came across 4T. I was genuinely impressed with how you dealt with “magical thinking” and all the spiritual BS. But you didn’t offer me any hope of freedom from suffering or eternal life. I put your book on the back burner for later. That “later” is now. I’ve truly had my fill of spiritual fantasy. If I read one more book that talks dogmatically about chakras, kundalini, rainbow bodies, spirit bodies, channeled guides, bliss, karma, reincarnation, gurus, Brahman, AAAAGGHHHHH!!!!!

Who the fuck knows?? No-one! So why make shit up?? Sorry about that, but I’ve really, honestly had enough. So here I am. I’m still terrified of death; I still worry about my loved ones; I still don’t know what “truth” is; I still want to “awaken.” But at least I feel I am in a more honest place and facing my fears head-on. And I owe much of this to you, Robert. Your writing is so truthful and natural, and that’s exactly what I need right now. I’m tired of BS, really tired. So thank you, Robert, and any words of advice or encouragement would be gratefully received. All the best, my friend.

Robert: You are most welcome, Paul. Yes, I encourage you to stop being afraid of the inevitable:

“At five or so, I became aware of mortality and figured, uh-oh, this is not what I signed on for. I had never agreed to be finite. If you don’t mind, I’d like my money back.”---Woody Allen

Every night, when you close your eyes and sink into sleep, you lose consciousness entirely. Why would you think death any different? Until you come to terms with impermanence, you will never be fully alive, so I encourage you to live fully right now, including feeling your fears, because you will not be around “later” to do it.

Q: Thanks for that, Robert. I find the process of actually dying more frightening. You quoted Woody Allen, so now I will: “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” I was in the process of reading your new book when your message came through. Funny that. Stay safe.

Robert: Oh, so you are not afraid of not being at all, but you are afraid of old age, sickness, etc. Is that it?

Q: No, I’m still afraid of not being at all forever. What a thought!

Robert: I could be wrong, but you might have some Christian programming to deal with, such as the Loss of Heaven and all that. Life and death, living and dying, are one and the same experience called—in my jargon—“this aliveness.”

Q: Interesting. How could I begin working through that, Robert? Sorry to be taking up your time. The knowledge that this little life is all there is is what fuels my fear of terminal illness. I don’t want this aliveness to end.

Robert: Who is the “I” who does not want this aliveness to end? That is a matter that needs elucidation and clarity. No one can do that work for you.

Q: Does that work consist of repeatedly pondering these things and asking myself these sorts of questions? I’m up for that.

Robert: That’s part of it. When you use the word “I,” what does that mean?

Sterling Doughty: “When you use the word ‘I,’ what does that mean?”
Gettin gnarly, Saltzman. That question is the ticket.

Robert: Seems that way. I cannot think of a better one. So tell me what you liked so much in “Roses.”

Roses, 2019

Sterling Doughty: I loved the intensely beautiful and deeply connected way the man looked at the roses as he prepared the bouquet.

Robert: Exactly what I saw.

Sterling Doughty: That is nice to hear, and no surprise.

Robert: He seems to love his work.

Sterling Doughty: Has to be, especially seen in the delicate posture of his right hand as he plucks the excess leaves, the focus of his vision, and the way his left hand cradles, but is not grabbing the bundle. Pretty cool shot, old guy. Must be modern digital shutter speed.

Robert: Walk around with shutter on 1/250th. There are two lenses. This one, a very old Voigtlander 15mm f/4.5, works out to 22mm equivalent on my crop-sensor Sony.

The other I used for most of the Manhattan images is a modern 35mm f/2.8 auto-focus lens, a 52mm equivalent.

Sterling Doughty: Lovely. Hardly any curvature for such a wide angle and huge depth of field. Somebody loved making that lens.

Robert: It’s a lovely, hand-built piece of glass, and tiny. It’s too slow for most folks nowadays and won’t communicate with the camera or autofocus, of course, but I love it. It’s like me: old and well-traveled and a bit beat up, but better than anything you can find lying around these days.

Sterling Doughty: Yes, it is clear that in Japan, you would be a 人間国宝, Ningen Kokuhō.

Robert: ありがとうございました。 それは非常に親切です.